raya with the awesome ones

Went 'jalan raya-ing' with my dear ones yesterday.

There were some last minute changes but we still made it a memorable one. 

What can I say? They're just amazing. 

With them, i can hardly feel down. Maybe that's a little overrated but you get my point.

This year's celebration was better cos boifr tagged along.

We bonded really well. Boyfr dissapointed me a lil by smoking way too much.

It wouldn't bother me much if he din promise that he won't smoke on that day.

Felt really down at that point of time but din wanna ruin the day.

Sidetrack: I'm still a lil upset about that though but there's nothing I can do about it.

Whenever I think about it, i'll get this 'sinking' feeling.

I know he'll be reading this but 'jangan marah yang, i'm just expressing how I feel.'

We'll talk about smoking in another post soon. 

Boyfr was starting to get restless on our way to yishun but he was being such a sweetheart for accompanying me back home. Din manage to visit yana's and nadd's house. Did apologize to them though.

Reached home at about 11.15.

The last train to jookoon was at 11.30 so ayah decided to send my babybotak back home. He finally reached at 12.40.

Part of 'The' Gang. :P

Boyfr sleeping while waiting for ayah and ibu to siap.

At home with boyfr, Finally manage to get rid of all those makeups. Huge relief! 

With babybotak aka 'HH'. :P

and, kak siti in the background. Hee

In the bus. Otw to 'i can't remember'

 

Nabila, Nadiah, Zul and Babybotak. Pardon him for his pose. he was 'daydreaming'. -.-

confessions

I'll just get straight to the point about my feelings.

To make things clear, i don't feel threatened, I feel disrespected.

I'm done talking, I'm done hearing.

Simply put, like many other ladies, i find it hard to accept this kinda behavior.

It's only that they don't express their concerns regarding this issue. It may be for a simple reason: They're afraid they'll be misunderstood.

I did not potray the same kind of image or attitude for a reason:

I care.

I've done every possible way to get my message across yet the outcome remains the same.

When everything else doesn't work out right, what we ladies do is to pretend it doesn't bother us but really, it does and the feeling sucks.

The solution to this is either we give the same kinda attitude or endure. Haix.
Don't I deserve the respect I need?

Idiaz Response

Dear Sarah Arina,

Idiaz here. I knew how badly you are mentally hurt by my pasts.
I know deep inside your heart, it's killing you.
What can I do?
I don't blame you for feeling these ways.
It's all my faults.
I never thought that things will turn out this way,dear.
It's kind of hurtful for me knowing that you have the mindset that I don't treat you better than her.
Well, I may not treat you better than her but guess what, I love you more than her.
In fact, I met you more already than the total amount I met her in 1 year 4 months. Remember we are only 4 months old.
We always took photos together. every time we met. Unlike my pasts.
I'm serious about our relationship sayang.
I don't want these incident to be the reason for our relationship downfall.
I couldn't possibly change your feelings.
I can only prove to you that nothing else matters to me but our love.
I hate my past that's for sure.
We are here too is because of our past.
I love you the way you are.
I know I am cruel to you.
Imperfect.
Ego at times.
I changed.
I always tried to be the best for you sayang.
In my heart, I deeply know that you are the only girl meant for my life.
I'm sorry for all my bad pasts and behaviour.
My unfair treatments towards you.
I love you more than you could ever imagine.
God knows best.
I wish I could voice out to you to just focus on our future as for me my past are nothing.
A Distant memories...
I'm happy to have you as my girlfriend.
Never feel this much proud to have you as my girl.
Distance seperating us doesn't stop us from meeting always right sayang?
I sometimes feel down and out.
But you were the one lifting me up.
When I'm financially empty, you the one helping me.
Unlike her.
I can proudly says that you have helped me alot than her.
I can proudly say that you have made me more happier than her.
Sarah Arina, Idiaz sayang kamu lah.
Why stress2? Why sad2?
Hubby is here for you.
You deserve every thing of me.
I wish I could hug you right now lend you my shoulder and just give you a kiss.
Our photos aren't just images of us.
It has meaning.
Every smile in the photos, the places we went.
Memories and prove that whenever we are together, we seems happy and enjoyable.
We wants to be the best couple ever.
I am already putting aside my ego...
my bad temperament.
Looking ahead to our future with hopes that happiness awaits us dear.
You and me, forever.
Sarah and Zaidi, Idiaz and Anira, will stay eternity.
I love you so much.
From your one and the last beloved boyfriend you will ever had in your life, MUHAMMAD RUZAIDI
Cheer up baby.
takk cheer up, debik kang aru tahu :)
sorry for everything. I love you, that's the most important thing in my life k?
Assalamualaikum :)

letting it out

I'm downright hurt. 

I hate the feeling of seeing someone very close to my heart with someone else.

The reason for this feeling is simple. He means alot to me.

I've tried my best to stay positive but it's harder than it seems. Everytime he says something nice to me, all I can think of is: 'He used to say that to her. What difference does it make if he tells me this now?' Never once in my life did I thought I could feel so down whenever someone says something good to me. To make things worse, if he says something bad, all I could think of is: 'She's better than me'. This is hard for both me and him. It's hard for him in a sense that I wouldn't feel good with whatever he says to me now. It's harder for me cos i'm the one having to bear with this feeling.

Even when I'm with him, I have flashbacks of the moment I saw their pictures. I'm crying inside and it hurts even when I'm typing this.

Another thing that concerns me is the fact that when he was with her, he seems to be the one chasing after her 24/7. When it comes to our relationship, it seems that he's willing to leave me whenever there's any kind of conflict between us.

I used to say that I don't feel like i'm good enough for him and this incident is making things harder. I need reassuring words. Nothing in particular, just anything to make me feel better. And an honest one.

Our relationship is at risk. What if someone else sees it? What if we have to part ways because of it? Is he making an effort to do something about this? What would be of us in future? Questions after questions but there's never an answer to it.

updates

Things have changed alot for me and there are many things in which i didn't get the chance to update on.

So i'm taking the time i have now to update everything.

Firstly, i'm no longer working at cheers. Quitted due to school (will come back to that later)  and currently not planning to take up any part-time jobs. I realized that i lost almost everything i loved as soon as i started working. Lesser family outings, lesser time with friends, lesser time for social networks, lesser time for studies and lesser time for myself. I became so, so stressed up and pimples started popping out. Despite everything,  i think i coped better than i expected.

Coming back to the issue regarding school, I did get the course of my choice. I was so excited i tell ya. It's not easy to get into this particular one. I didn't thought I would graduate from nitec in the first place and I was glad I proved myself wrong.

However, things started to change. I couldn't cope with the pressure and problems I had with my peers. I was on the verge of quitting. Lecturers started calling every now and then. I was very down.

With everything getting out of hand, I turned to boifie. Yes, i'm attached. Attached to Muhammad Ruzaidi. Despite telling myself that i'm tired of being in a relationship. Haha. Expect the unexpected that's what they always say. He has been of great help. Our relationship was on a rocky start due to 'something' or rather 'someone' but proud to say, we pulled through. He's one of the reason i'm happy right now. We have our occasional arguments and i get stressed up at times but it's okay. Everything's worth it.

learning journey

I always make it a point to think that life is a learning journey and every action has it's own consequences

but why is it so that i tend to learn about this the hard way?

If anyone would ever know how i feel deep down, they would understand why i feel so, so frustrated with myself at times.

But i'm always telling myself that i'm stronger than who i was before. Self-motivation work wonders.

This is the reason why i choose not to make a fuss out of the very little negative things in life and instead focus on the important aspects.

I look forward to the future. Temporary stuffs don't bother me. I apply the same rule to relationships.

I wanna know if there's anyone out there who have the same mentality as mine. It'll be awesome.

back again..

back again..

reading back my old posts made me realize how much i've grown. How my mentality changes over time.

How i begin to see life as.

and....

how hurtful life can be despite having everything you ever wanted.

'tears are words the heart can't say'

it seems like nothing can explain how i feel now.

i'm trying very hard to think positive.

but i can't lie to myself.

i know i'm not (and never will be) happy with this.

There's this hollow feeling in me.

I wanna be happy. Is it too much to ask for?