Tears are words the heart can't say

I have so many things to talk about today.

To start of with, I came to a conclusion that hardly anyone would understand the situation i'm in.

The only person who came close to knowing the real person i am deep down inside is boyfr. Other than him, nobody else really know what's going on in my life and my mind.

But it dissapoints me badly when he told me something I don't wish to hear from him.

Something that almost made me feel like giving up.

There are things that I wish nobody would ever remind me of.

I don't wanna live in denial but at the same time, I wanna pretend it didn't happen.

My life is not as easy as it seems. Some regard me as 'happy-go-lucky' but they don't know how much pain I'm going through each and every day. 

No amount of tears can express my true feelings. No words can describe how much i'm dying inside.

I guess up till now, the only person who have seen me cry over and over again is boyfr. At times, I don't even wish for him to see my tears but no matter how hard I try, I'll eventually break down. It's true that tears are words the heart can't say.

Boyfr may not realize what I've done for our rs. He may not know how much effort I've put in. He may not see it just yet but it's okay.

However so, I can't thank boyfr enough for lending me his shoulder for me to cry on. For lending me his ear and listens to what my heart says. 

A real boyfriend ♥

Was fbooking as always when I came across this particular post from a dear friend of mine. Find it really interesting so I decided to share it here.

 A real boyfriend !! ♥

When she stares at your mouth
- Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she thinks shes stronger than you
- Grab her and don't let go

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
- Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet
- Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
- Give her your attention

When she pulls away
- Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
- Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
- Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
- Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
- Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
- Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
- Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
- Reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
- Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
- She really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
- Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
- Bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
- Keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
- Don't look away until she does

When she says it's over
- She still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this
- She wants you to read it
- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's okay, don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
" Whose ass am i kicking, BABY? "

This may seem unfair to guys cos they have to be the one doing all the 'work' but come to think of it, we girls are fragile. Even so, we always have to put on a strong front. So just reward us. Make us feel worth every effort of yours. As complicated as it seems, it isn't that hard after all.  

 ♥

when boredom strikes

I have absolutely nothing to do

Hannah is currently busy with her 'happy tree friends' and haziq with his 'eye resting' moment.

Babylove? busy with work as always. Don't wanna bother him.

He'll text me when he's done. (hope so) 

 

So I guess that's about it for today.

Nothing much to talk about.

Love,Love.

Love, Love

Met babylove this morning. Went on a 'mission' to find out the location of Kg Wak Hassan. It was something new for me. I was anxious, afraid and curious at the same time.

We had quite a hard time having to walk on rocks and boulders.

I held on to dear boyfriend's hand as though I'm holding on to my dear life.

That was when I had this feeling.

I felt so secured.

I felt protected.

Like a little girl holding on to her dad for comfort.

I knew at that point of time he would not want to see me hurt or in danger.

By just a simple date, I learned to trust him more.

Looking at him, it made me realize how much I need him to be with me all the time.

I know he's always there for me.

<3

And, and, and..It feels so, so good knowing that he didn't smoke today. Hehe. Sayang hubby!

A puff a day does not keep the doctor away.

Boyfr will hate this post for sure 

But i'm still gonna talk about it.

Boyfr, as a smoker keeps on telling me 'positive' effects of smoking

Me, as a non-smoker on the other hand keeps informing him about the negative effects of smoking.

Being CREATIVE idiots, we can actually debate about this for hours and hours till one of us gets tired of talking.

I believe I am done stating all the disadvantages of smoking. (eventhough it still doesn't get instill in boyfr's brain.)

So to understand him and to let him know it CAN be done, i'm gonna talk about how to kick the habit. 

The difficulty of quitting:

Nicotine is both a stimulant and depressant. It increases the heart rate and makes one alert. BUT then it'll cause depression and fatigue which causes smokers to crave another cigg.

This can hardly end.

Ways to quit:

Put it in writing. Write down the reasons you wanna quit. Those who write them down are usually more successful than those who don't.

Get support:

People who have friends and family who gives support are more likely to succeed. (I guess there's no point in this. Gave all the support he needs but everything goes down the drain.)

Throw away all your ciggs:

Get rid of ashtray and lighters too.

Wash all your clothes:

Ensure that they don't stink of ciggs.

Physical and Mental effects of withdrawal:

• headaches or stomachaches
• crabbiness, jumpiness or depression
• lack of energy
• dry mouth or sore throat
• desire to pig out

But these symptoms will not last for long. It will pass but do note that you cannot sneak a smoke cos you will have to deal with the symptoms longer.

Keep yourself busy:

Staying active is a good way to make sure you keep your weight down and your energy level up.

Quit Gradually:

Decrease the amount of ciggs you smoke everyday. This may not work for some people so they would have to stop completely at once aka 'cold turkey'.

Use a nicotine replacement if you need to.

There. I'm done. So baby, I never said it's gonna be easy but if not now, when? I've never wanted anyone to quit smoking this much. I love you. :)

Beauty

I've been doing some 'vlog hopping' and found a very, very interesting video so i'm gonna talk about what I've learnt from it.

Beauty.

Sad to say, everyone feels insecure at any one point of time in their life so I don't have to elaborate or explain in detail of how it feels like.

The thing is, beauty has been an issue that has been bothering men and women of all ages.

But what exactly is beauty? How does one rate 'beauty'?

Beauty can never be put on a scale, beauty cannot be measured and there is no right definition for it but one thing for sure, everyone has been talking about it.

What everyone should know is that, 

We may hate a certain part on our body but someone else could love that particular feature.

We may hate the size of our body, our height, our eyes, our nose, our mouth and yada yada yada but someone else may love it. So be with the one who sees the good in you.

Afterall, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Next issue:

'Media can really distort beauty'

Reason being, we are always comparing ourselves with models we see on TV, magazines etc

and we're always questioning ourselves: 'Why can't I be like them?'

But the problem is, when we try to be someone else, we're actually trashing the person we will turn out to be.

At the end of the day, what matters is that we have to learn to love who we really are.

From my personal opinion, I find that there is always something special about someone. So why bother about what people rate you as? 

True, we all have feelings. We all know what it's like to feel downright hurt but never let it affect the way we think of ourselves cos we know ourselves best.

Lastly, be beautiful inside cos when we're internally gorgeous, it will naturally makes us equally gorgeous outside.

5th Monthsary!

I totally forgot that today was our 5th Monthsary. :(

Was a lil dissapointed with myself but there's a perfectly good reason for this. (to me of course)

Reason number 1: I choose not to do those 'countdowns' cos it will seem like a long, long way to go.

Reason number 2: I was so caught up with meeting babylove till i had no idea about our monthsary. Meeting him is like one of the most exciting thing to do. More than the excitement of counting down to our monthsary. 

Don't get me wrong, it still matters. I still look forward to more monthsaries with babylove. I will always remember 19th April 2011. One of the happiest days in my life.

Back then, I was getting tired of being in a relationship. I began to stereotype guys. So close to giving up when he came. He was such a great friend back then (and still is).

He means alot to me from the start and i have to admit, one of the reasons I manage to treat him differently since we were friends is for the fact that he made me feel as though my past didn't exist. He was the one giving me courage to start anew. I fell for him almost instantly. I knew he was different than the guys from my past but I would never thought he would have feelings for me. He was nice. Very nice in fact.

The day he confessed was the day I regain my confidence in relationships. It lasted up till today.

I have to say, he's a great guy. He can make my day just by watching him smile, hearing his laughter and not to forget, the never ending jokes. He listens to my complains and my nagging. He made me realize how fun and meaningful relationships can be. The kind of relationship we have is different than any other. We both know that. 

He may irritate me at times but even so, he's still my sweetheart, my baby, my hubby, my sayang, my darling, my honey, my sugar, my babybotak, my angry bird and my 'HH'. Hehe.

He's my best friend, my brother, my dad, my lover, my everything.

I love him to bits and pieces. <3

raya with the awesome ones

Went 'jalan raya-ing' with my dear ones yesterday.

There were some last minute changes but we still made it a memorable one. 

What can I say? They're just amazing. 

With them, i can hardly feel down. Maybe that's a little overrated but you get my point.

This year's celebration was better cos boifr tagged along.

We bonded really well. Boyfr dissapointed me a lil by smoking way too much.

It wouldn't bother me much if he din promise that he won't smoke on that day.

Felt really down at that point of time but din wanna ruin the day.

Sidetrack: I'm still a lil upset about that though but there's nothing I can do about it.

Whenever I think about it, i'll get this 'sinking' feeling.

I know he'll be reading this but 'jangan marah yang, i'm just expressing how I feel.'

We'll talk about smoking in another post soon. 

Boyfr was starting to get restless on our way to yishun but he was being such a sweetheart for accompanying me back home. Din manage to visit yana's and nadd's house. Did apologize to them though.

Reached home at about 11.15.

The last train to jookoon was at 11.30 so ayah decided to send my babybotak back home. He finally reached at 12.40.

Part of 'The' Gang. :P

Boyfr sleeping while waiting for ayah and ibu to siap.

At home with boyfr, Finally manage to get rid of all those makeups. Huge relief! 

With babybotak aka 'HH'. :P

and, kak siti in the background. Hee

In the bus. Otw to 'i can't remember'

 

Nabila, Nadiah, Zul and Babybotak. Pardon him for his pose. he was 'daydreaming'. -.-

confessions

I'll just get straight to the point about my feelings.

To make things clear, i don't feel threatened, I feel disrespected.

I'm done talking, I'm done hearing.

Simply put, like many other ladies, i find it hard to accept this kinda behavior.

It's only that they don't express their concerns regarding this issue. It may be for a simple reason: They're afraid they'll be misunderstood.

I did not potray the same kind of image or attitude for a reason:

I care.

I've done every possible way to get my message across yet the outcome remains the same.

When everything else doesn't work out right, what we ladies do is to pretend it doesn't bother us but really, it does and the feeling sucks.

The solution to this is either we give the same kinda attitude or endure. Haix.
Don't I deserve the respect I need?

Idiaz Response

Dear Sarah Arina,

Idiaz here. I knew how badly you are mentally hurt by my pasts.
I know deep inside your heart, it's killing you.
What can I do?
I don't blame you for feeling these ways.
It's all my faults.
I never thought that things will turn out this way,dear.
It's kind of hurtful for me knowing that you have the mindset that I don't treat you better than her.
Well, I may not treat you better than her but guess what, I love you more than her.
In fact, I met you more already than the total amount I met her in 1 year 4 months. Remember we are only 4 months old.
We always took photos together. every time we met. Unlike my pasts.
I'm serious about our relationship sayang.
I don't want these incident to be the reason for our relationship downfall.
I couldn't possibly change your feelings.
I can only prove to you that nothing else matters to me but our love.
I hate my past that's for sure.
We are here too is because of our past.
I love you the way you are.
I know I am cruel to you.
Imperfect.
Ego at times.
I changed.
I always tried to be the best for you sayang.
In my heart, I deeply know that you are the only girl meant for my life.
I'm sorry for all my bad pasts and behaviour.
My unfair treatments towards you.
I love you more than you could ever imagine.
God knows best.
I wish I could voice out to you to just focus on our future as for me my past are nothing.
A Distant memories...
I'm happy to have you as my girlfriend.
Never feel this much proud to have you as my girl.
Distance seperating us doesn't stop us from meeting always right sayang?
I sometimes feel down and out.
But you were the one lifting me up.
When I'm financially empty, you the one helping me.
Unlike her.
I can proudly says that you have helped me alot than her.
I can proudly say that you have made me more happier than her.
Sarah Arina, Idiaz sayang kamu lah.
Why stress2? Why sad2?
Hubby is here for you.
You deserve every thing of me.
I wish I could hug you right now lend you my shoulder and just give you a kiss.
Our photos aren't just images of us.
It has meaning.
Every smile in the photos, the places we went.
Memories and prove that whenever we are together, we seems happy and enjoyable.
We wants to be the best couple ever.
I am already putting aside my ego...
my bad temperament.
Looking ahead to our future with hopes that happiness awaits us dear.
You and me, forever.
Sarah and Zaidi, Idiaz and Anira, will stay eternity.
I love you so much.
From your one and the last beloved boyfriend you will ever had in your life, MUHAMMAD RUZAIDI
Cheer up baby.
takk cheer up, debik kang aru tahu :)
sorry for everything. I love you, that's the most important thing in my life k?
Assalamualaikum :)

letting it out

I'm downright hurt. 

I hate the feeling of seeing someone very close to my heart with someone else.

The reason for this feeling is simple. He means alot to me.

I've tried my best to stay positive but it's harder than it seems. Everytime he says something nice to me, all I can think of is: 'He used to say that to her. What difference does it make if he tells me this now?' Never once in my life did I thought I could feel so down whenever someone says something good to me. To make things worse, if he says something bad, all I could think of is: 'She's better than me'. This is hard for both me and him. It's hard for him in a sense that I wouldn't feel good with whatever he says to me now. It's harder for me cos i'm the one having to bear with this feeling.

Even when I'm with him, I have flashbacks of the moment I saw their pictures. I'm crying inside and it hurts even when I'm typing this.

Another thing that concerns me is the fact that when he was with her, he seems to be the one chasing after her 24/7. When it comes to our relationship, it seems that he's willing to leave me whenever there's any kind of conflict between us.

I used to say that I don't feel like i'm good enough for him and this incident is making things harder. I need reassuring words. Nothing in particular, just anything to make me feel better. And an honest one.

Our relationship is at risk. What if someone else sees it? What if we have to part ways because of it? Is he making an effort to do something about this? What would be of us in future? Questions after questions but there's never an answer to it.

updates

Things have changed alot for me and there are many things in which i didn't get the chance to update on.

So i'm taking the time i have now to update everything.

Firstly, i'm no longer working at cheers. Quitted due to school (will come back to that later)  and currently not planning to take up any part-time jobs. I realized that i lost almost everything i loved as soon as i started working. Lesser family outings, lesser time with friends, lesser time for social networks, lesser time for studies and lesser time for myself. I became so, so stressed up and pimples started popping out. Despite everything,  i think i coped better than i expected.

Coming back to the issue regarding school, I did get the course of my choice. I was so excited i tell ya. It's not easy to get into this particular one. I didn't thought I would graduate from nitec in the first place and I was glad I proved myself wrong.

However, things started to change. I couldn't cope with the pressure and problems I had with my peers. I was on the verge of quitting. Lecturers started calling every now and then. I was very down.

With everything getting out of hand, I turned to boifie. Yes, i'm attached. Attached to Muhammad Ruzaidi. Despite telling myself that i'm tired of being in a relationship. Haha. Expect the unexpected that's what they always say. He has been of great help. Our relationship was on a rocky start due to 'something' or rather 'someone' but proud to say, we pulled through. He's one of the reason i'm happy right now. We have our occasional arguments and i get stressed up at times but it's okay. Everything's worth it.

learning journey

I always make it a point to think that life is a learning journey and every action has it's own consequences

but why is it so that i tend to learn about this the hard way?

If anyone would ever know how i feel deep down, they would understand why i feel so, so frustrated with myself at times.

But i'm always telling myself that i'm stronger than who i was before. Self-motivation work wonders.

This is the reason why i choose not to make a fuss out of the very little negative things in life and instead focus on the important aspects.

I look forward to the future. Temporary stuffs don't bother me. I apply the same rule to relationships.

I wanna know if there's anyone out there who have the same mentality as mine. It'll be awesome.

back again..

back again..

reading back my old posts made me realize how much i've grown. How my mentality changes over time.

How i begin to see life as.

and....

how hurtful life can be despite having everything you ever wanted.

'tears are words the heart can't say'

it seems like nothing can explain how i feel now.

i'm trying very hard to think positive.

but i can't lie to myself.

i know i'm not (and never will be) happy with this.

There's this hollow feeling in me.

I wanna be happy. Is it too much to ask for?