letting it out

I'm downright hurt. 

I hate the feeling of seeing someone very close to my heart with someone else.

The reason for this feeling is simple. He means alot to me.

I've tried my best to stay positive but it's harder than it seems. Everytime he says something nice to me, all I can think of is: 'He used to say that to her. What difference does it make if he tells me this now?' Never once in my life did I thought I could feel so down whenever someone says something good to me. To make things worse, if he says something bad, all I could think of is: 'She's better than me'. This is hard for both me and him. It's hard for him in a sense that I wouldn't feel good with whatever he says to me now. It's harder for me cos i'm the one having to bear with this feeling.

Even when I'm with him, I have flashbacks of the moment I saw their pictures. I'm crying inside and it hurts even when I'm typing this.

Another thing that concerns me is the fact that when he was with her, he seems to be the one chasing after her 24/7. When it comes to our relationship, it seems that he's willing to leave me whenever there's any kind of conflict between us.

I used to say that I don't feel like i'm good enough for him and this incident is making things harder. I need reassuring words. Nothing in particular, just anything to make me feel better. And an honest one.

Our relationship is at risk. What if someone else sees it? What if we have to part ways because of it? Is he making an effort to do something about this? What would be of us in future? Questions after questions but there's never an answer to it.